42. Unleash Your Inner Badass with Dana Donnelly
In this episode of Sturdy Girl, host Jess welcomes guest Dana Donnelly, a podcast host, motivational speaker, and author, to discuss empowerment and authentic living. Dana shares her journey from an abusive relationship to self-discovery and personal growth, emphasizing the importance of creating a supportive community for women, especially entrepreneurs. They delve into concepts like 'driftwood' and 'expanders'—terms for seeing others' success as inspiration rather than competition. Dana highlights daily practices like journaling and setting intentions as tools for self-love and accountability. The conversation also touches on the significance of gratitude, mindfulness, and maintaining a positive mindset for achieving personal goals. Dana reinforces building a relationship with oneself through solitude and reflection, offering practical tips like creating a joy list and taking oneself on solo dates. The episode closes with a discussion on redefining self-love and authenticity, encouraging listeners to pursue personal development while maintaining self-compassion.
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Speaker 1: 0:07
Hello friends and welcome back to Sturdy Girl. We are on episode 42. I'm your host, jess. I can't believe how fast the season already seems to be going by, but we have had wonderful guests so far. I have so many more coming for you. I'm working on a few solo episodes, but I hope your fall is off to a great start. We do have sweatshirts back up on the website if you want to go sturdygirlco slash merch. Those are there with our rad tiger illustration on the back and strength out size. So check those out.
Speaker 1: 0:42
But today's guest friends, we are going to talk the joys of podcasting, personal development, but also a couple of content warnings. You will notice the little E next to this episode gets a little spicy. There's a few F-bombs, so if your kids are listening maybe you know put the headphones in. And also just a couple of trigger warnings. We do talk about abusive relationships and coming out of that. All good things, nothing bad. But just a little bit of warning. If there are some sensitivities there, maybe hit fast forward through the first like seven minutes of the episode. So those are your warnings.
Speaker 1: 1:17
Now let me give a little intro to Dana. She does give her own intro, which is pretty great. She is an entrepreneur in the personal development world, podcast host, motivational speaker, working on great networking events, soon to be author and journal creator and she does talk about the journal that she's created in this episode too. Her main mission is helping other people with her signature, dana kick in the ass, something she talks about often on her podcast. So let me stop talking about her and let her do all the talking. Here's episode 42. I realized before hitting record that every time I introduce a guest, I say here's another amazing guest, another exciting guest. I have another fellow sturdy human to chat about. All kinds of amazing things. Dana hello, thanks for joining us.
Speaker 2: 2:06
Hey, I'm so excited to be here. So, as Jess already said, my name is Dana. I am a podcast host, motivational speaker soon to be, author all the things I have, my own community as well, but really I'm just a woman from Philly on a mission to teach people to unleash their inner badass through everything that I do, even my little social media posts. I am super excited to be here because our missions are definitely aligned and just want to thank you for the opportunity.
Speaker 1: 2:35
Yeah, thanks for being here. I love chatting, all things, podcasting, so thank you for I'm going to say commiserating on all of the background stuff that goes into podcasting. But no, this is awesome, I want to know more about what you do. So you mentioned author, obviously podcaster, which we can get to, but just the community piece, and then do you coach? Like, tell me more about that.
Speaker 2: 2:56
What I do with my community. I just started my community in January, so technically I already had a podcast community, but I recently rebranded to be Inner Van Ass Reborn because I created my community where I host events. Right now there's still smaller events, local, technically networking events. My community is mainly women Everyone's welcome but it's mainly women who are entrepreneurs, business owners, aspiring entrepreneurs or business owners or musicians, and in this community my goal is to just empower women and give us women that are like too much or too loud or have felt like we're not enough or, you know, have been told these like outdated stigmas and been like given this identity. That's really not who we are.
Speaker 1: 3:43
It's just really a safe place for everyone.
Speaker 2: 3:45
Like I say unleash your inner badass. It's just my way of saying step into your power and show up authentically. That's like what I live by If we're not living authentically, we're not living right. So my community is really just a safe space for women you know, whether you're aspiring or you're already an entrepreneur to come and get support and share ideas. My most recent event I did a self like a self-care slash business event where it was like a business brunch where I brought a bunch of entrepreneurial women from all different fields, like we had hairstylists, we had podcasters, waxers.
Speaker 2: 4:20
We just had so many different people. Philly hype woman, who I love, that's what she titles herself Philly's Hype Woman.
Speaker 2: 4:26
We had a lot of different badass women come together, totally different businesses, totally different ideas and we just sat and we ate together and me myself and another speaker spoke to these women and we had brainstorming sets for all of our businesses and it's just really this community. That is starting small, but I have like really big plans for it because I just want to give women especially you know, not just locally like one day I want to host virtual events where people from all over can come and join us. So it's definitely in beginning stages, but this community is for all badass women.
Speaker 1: 5:02
That's so cool and just being able to host local events. So you're really tapping into a sense of community and genuine connection, because while you're talking about virtual events and getting there, there's so much pushback on virtual events post pandemic where people are like no, no, no In person. I want to see the people in real life and hug them. If that's your thing, right. That's so cool and to be able to have a place for people to be themselves and to share the struggles and the joys of entrepreneurial pursuits.
Speaker 2: 5:34
Yeah, I love it.
Speaker 2: 5:35
For me, like I talk about Driftwood a lot on my show and, just you know, at my events, even I talk about Driftwood often, because Driftwood is a term that I learned from Gabby Bernstein and it's basically you see someone else's success and instead of looking at yourself and comparing your own success and where you're at in your journey, instead of, like starting to allow negative thoughts to ruminate, you actually see another woman's success, even if it's in exactly what you want to be doing, and you feel empowered by it and you feel inspired by it.
Speaker 2: 6:05
What you want to be doing, and you feel empowered by it and you feel inspired by it. And I truly being at this point in my life where I am fully, authentically me and confident in who I am, even on my bad days, I am so lit up by seeing other people do what they love, whether it be, like I said, they could be a hairstylist, like looking to open up their own salon right or go out on their own. They could be. It could be a waxer, it could be a motivational speaker, it could be, you know, an author, a musician. I just love being around women who are just defying the odds and just no longer letting society tell them who they're meant to be Right. So that's like everything that I do in my motivational speaking and the events and with the podcast and with this book that I'm working on getting published. It's really all about personal development in all of its form.
Speaker 1: 6:53
So okay, you said the term driftwood. I haven't heard that before.
Speaker 2: 6:57
So I heard it from Gabby Bernstein, maybe like two years ago. She's been like my spiritual teacher from afar. She doesn't even know it, she is very spiritual and she has achieved so much success. She talks about this term. It's driftwood is essentially you see someone else's success and instead of feeling like any negativity around it, we're starting to compare yourself. Or if you start cause we're all human and we all compare it's just what happens, right, you just flip the script and you say, wow, that's like a sign that my time is coming. My version of what I'm looking to achieve is coming, so my version of success. This is like the universe sending me a sign that like, okay, this girl just had a really successful event. That's like a sign from the universe for me that my book is gonna get published or a publisher is going to reach out to me, something like that it reminds me of what is the other term expanders.
Speaker 1: 7:50
That's another one that I heard recently from a good friend of mine, as far as, like, if you are wanting to do this thing and it seems like out of your realm of capability, it's not something that you, it's outside your zone of genius, if you will and it's like, oh man, I don't know if I can do this. This is a lot, there's a lot to get there, and then you meet someone who looks like you and does similar things as you and they're doing that thing. That's an expander. So you learn, like this thing that I didn't think was possible is actually possible and that gives you the I don't want to say hope, but all of those feelings and the drive towards like, hey, okay, I'm giving this thing a shot.
Speaker 2: 8:26
Yeah, and it gives you that good feeling, emotion, like we truly we can't accomplish anything without attaching ourselves to how we'll feel after we accomplish it. Part of my daily routine is connecting with my goals. One of my goals that I write down has to do with the podcast every day, and I really connect to how that, like I feel as if it's already happened. And that's what driftwood is. It's getting us into the state of mind where we feel the gratitude, the joy of achieving that thing already.
Speaker 2: 8:57
Because when we can connect to what we will feel when we get there, it's like us showing the universe whatever you believe in God, whatever that's out there that's bigger than us, right, it's like us showing this is what I am reaching for. And instead of reaching for that other mindset, right, where it's like, oh well, how did she get this? Or she had this handed to her, you know, like starting to get away from that lacking mindset and go into abundant mindset. That's how we achieve our goals. We can work tirelessly for the rest of our lives and never get to where we want to go if we don't align our thoughts and behaviors with where we're going. So that's essentially why, like Driftwood has just hearing that term and I tell everyone about it now, like I had and have for the last two years, because it's changed the way that I think about everything.
Speaker 1: 9:45
When you have that understanding of how important mindset is, how important the, what does it say? Where your focus goes, your energy flows, I love that. Okay, so podcast is called Inner Badass Reborn and that's also your community, right? So you kind of rebranded. Have those all together. Does the podcast or community? Does it have an origin story? Does this have anything to do with your like rising from the ashes? Oh, hell, yeah, tell me the stories. I want to hear all about it, please.
Speaker 2: 10:11
Oh, hell yeah. So from age like 16 to 21, I was in a very abusive relationship Just a brief backstory for my childhood Like my parents this is not to talk bad on them, I love them both but they were really focused on my brother and didn't really think they needed to worry about me because I wasn't the problem child, so to say, and so I didn't really get the parental guidance I needed. I wound up being put out on my own at 16. I was like in my rebel state of mind anyway, so I was like whatever, hell yeah, you know I can do this Right. And I was kind of wanting to be as like a fuck you to my parents, show them that I could do it, because I was just like you know what.
Speaker 1: 10:50
It is what it is.
Speaker 2: 10:51
And so I went through a really dark time in my life, you know, was with this person, who he's the definition of a narcissist like not this modern day like, but the true hardcore narcissist, and I allowed him to just do awful things to me and treat me in awful ways, and in that, I lost who I was. I went from being this bold, badass version of myself to not even knowing who I was and to feeling like so negative and being so close-minded and constantly focused on lack. And after going through so many years like that, I had some really horrible experiences during that time and in 2017, I started to get this like inkling. I'm like okay, I know, I need to leave this. I need to figure this out. I have no support.
Speaker 2: 11:36
At that time, I had lost most of my friends being in this, and so I'm like where do I go from here? And I just kept taking like little baby steps to better my life. Eventually, I was able to get a townhouse I was renting it, but I was able to get my own foundation. I didn't put his name on it, like I let him move in with me, but it was near my family where I grew up.
Speaker 2: 11:56
I was like building my roots and slowly but surely was like getting myself away from him reading personal development books, reigniting this fire inside of myself. And I say I had this mirror awakening.
Speaker 1: 12:09
I woke up one day and it was literally.
Speaker 2: 12:11
I woke up one day, but it was years in the making.
Speaker 2: 12:13
It didn't just happen overnight, right, but it was a one day thing where I woke up and I was like same routine. Got up, went in the bathroom and I was looking at myself in the mirror and I'm like this is not it, this is not as good as it gets for you, and like literally saying this to my. I get chills every time I tell this story because I feel like I'm back in that moment and I'm so empowered by it every time I tell this story, because I literally looked at myself in the mirror and I was like this isn't it, dana, this isn't you, this isn't the life that you were meant to live. Right, you were made for more, and it was the first time since 15 years old that I had felt this feeling like I am put here to do something and it's not this and I don't have to stay with this person, I don't have to be in this abusive relationship. And I took this little, tiny bit of responsibility that led to everything that.
Speaker 1: 13:01
I'm now living.
Speaker 2: 13:02
It was in that one moment, I mean within two weeks I got him out of my house. Within a month I had a protection order against him. I really woke up, like the blinders came off and I finally saw what my life was and slowly but surely got on this healing journey, started growing right and just started reading and I went to a couple personal development conferences and really went inward. I spent so much time alone but, like for the first time, my life didn't feel lonely. I was alone but I felt like connected to something bigger than me, and that's how I wound up on this journey. And now you know the that I wrote the work that I do.
Speaker 2: 13:40
it's all for that younger version of me because I know so many women out there are having and living that experience right now in their own version of it, and so everything that I do is for that reason.
Speaker 1: 13:51
Do you feel like the mirror moment? You said it's years in the making and the lead up. What got you into reading, like personal development books, ways of improving yourself. Was there a person or something that you read somewhere that, like, started you on this path? That then led to finally like, oh my God, I looked in the mirror and knew that this was not what I wanted for myself.
Speaker 2: 14:12
I'll say I was living in hotel rooms for like a month or two. It was like the lowest point in my life and the person that I was with was also a drug addict, so he was in like really active addiction and it was bad. He was like very paranoid, all the things, and I just remember sitting there writing in this journal. I got from the dollar store just writing quotes and like how I felt I found my love for writing again, which made me find my love for reading again. I can't remember who the first author was that I read, maybe Jen Sincero. I can't remember what the book was, but I went to the bookstore literally the next day, like I was sitting in there writing in my journal. The night before the next day I went to the bookstore and I was like just browsing.
Speaker 1: 14:51
I'm like I'm going to find something that can help me.
Speaker 2: 14:54
And I went to the nonfiction section. I found a book and I read it and it wasn't like life changing. The book wasn't life changing, but I got some confidence out of it.
Speaker 1: 15:03
And then it was like little by little and it wasn't all at once.
Speaker 2: 15:06
Like weeks went by and then I would go search for another book at you know my break at lunch when I wasn't with him, so I had my free time right. I would just little by little keep reading and every time I read another book it ignited something else in me and it clicked. Everything that I was reading, I'm like I feel like I already know this stuff, like I feel like it's already within me. I just forgot.
Speaker 1: 15:31
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Okay, so how was it trying to leave that relationship? You know you mentioned it being abusive, mentioned the person being in ours. It's like that's really hard.
Speaker 2: 15:36
It was a lot. I mean, he stole my car. He was like pawning my stuff. It was crazy, very chaotic. They know how to play on your empathy and it got to a point where I was like you can literally take everything that's in that house, that's mine, I don't care. You can take all of it Not my car, obviously but you can take everything inside of the house, but you need to leave.
Speaker 2: 15:57
And during those two weeks of me like officially getting him out, I was in and out, right, I was just going to work and then staying out as late as possible and then going home, sleeping, going back to work, keeping myself occupied. But, honestly, the years leading up to that were so suffocating for me that those two weeks, the chaos that that brought, was nothing compared to the life I was living. And so, although it was hard, I felt free, even before I got him out of my house. It was like I literally cut that energetic cord and I get chills talking about it, because I felt like there was just something bigger than me holding my hand along that way, like I didn't have anybody, I didn't have friends, I didn't have family, like my family, totally outcasted me, I was on my own but I never felt more free or empowered in my life.
Speaker 1: 16:45
That's a really powerful story and to have cultivated such a strong sense of self-trust, a strong relationship with yourself because that's a big part of this where you're like I didn't have a support system. I had to be my entire support system. I knew the best thing for me was to get out of this situation. You'd grown to the point where you're like all right, I trust me to make these decisions and be able to take care of myself. You talk about a lot of authenticity and taking back your power, and part of being able to take back your power is one, knowing you have it in the first place. Two, trusting yourself. And three, knowing what the hell you want, Because that's part of that, too, where you're talking.
Speaker 1: 17:26
So many years being in a place of feeling like you were suffocating, being in an unhealthy relationship on so many levels with this other person, you lose sight of what you want, you lose sight of who you are, what you like, and that's something that taking you out of this relationship. So lose sight of who you are, what you like, and that's something that taking you out of this relationship. So many people that I talk to I'm going to say women, because I work mainly with women. The relationship with ourselves often starts with those questions of like well, what do I like? We've been doing this same routine and going through these motions for so long.
Speaker 1: 17:51
But do we actually like eating five egg whites for breakfast on a piece of, like, whole grain toast? That's super bland. No, fuck, no, I don't, it's gross. Okay, well, what do I like? And then you're able to explore those pieces. Or like I've been dressing the same way for a decade. Do I actually like that? Do I actually like getting up at 5am every day? Do I actually like these things? And being able to ask yourself like is this the person I want to be? Are the things that I want to do? Do I like them? Because that relationship of being like here are my likes and dislikes, here's the person I want to be, and that's like.
Speaker 2: 18:23
That other piece of liking and disliking is like your values got called into question and you're like not living in accordance with my values it was literally all that all at once and I think that's why it felt so freeing, even in the midst of the chaos, because I had this like new hunger and like thirst to just live, to really live. Like I felt like I had been asleep for five, six years, however long it was that I was with him, like I felt like I had just woken up from a five year slumber and just had like this little like grip of who I was and I was so excited to find out, like more about me, right. And, like you said, I was like well, I know what I don't like, but what do I like? Do I like you know, wearing that, my style?
Speaker 1: 19:06
is totally different than it was, then I'll tell you that, right, and I stopped wearing makeup for like years.
Speaker 2: 19:11
I just started wearing makeup again, and it's 2024. I left him in 2018. It's been a good while and it's because I think it was just like I had done so many things to like please, everyone else, especially him and it was like the most fun experience to like when you find yourself again. You yes, you have to go inward and you have to be okay with being alone right. Because you want to be able to attract the right people into your life.
Speaker 2: 19:35
You don't want to attract another narcissist right, you don't want to attract another person who's going to inevitably betray you in some way, like you want to get good with yourself so that you can live a life you want, and I think it was so bad for me that that was so clear. I took myself out on dates. That was a huge thing for me on how I could get comfortable being alone.
Speaker 1: 19:57
It was very uncomfortable.
Speaker 2: 19:58
People would look at me like why is this girl out by herself on a Friday night at the bar? But I loved it. I made it a routine every Friday after work I would take myself out to eat and it was how I got comfortable being alone. It was the first time in my life that I ever could have like the balls to go out and go to a restaurant by myself and sit by myself at a nice restaurant, right, and I think it's just really important for anyone listening.
Speaker 2: 20:21
If you find yourself in a place where you feel lost, you're going to feel lost multiple times in life. That's just a part of living. You know. You go through seasons of your life and some seasons are harder than others and I've definitely been faced with am I being true to myself? Am I making myself smaller to make myself more digestible for other people? And I have to do those check-ins with myself even after so long. And I think it's important for the listeners to get like only you can decide who you are. Only you can decide what you're worth, and there's nothing more empowering than stepping into that. Agreed.
Speaker 1: 20:54
I want to talk your thoughts on. Can I thoughts on self-love and the relationship with yourself. But one thing I want to say before this and I'm laughing because it's such a current super deep rabbit hole of mine that I get really excited about it. So let me set the context for you. With Sturdy Girl, a lot of my solo episodes are on body image, on self-confidence and resilience, and I try to make it as evidence-based as I can. So I love reading body image, on self-confidence and resilience and I try to make it as evidence based as I can. So I love reading body image research and a lot of body image research is based on acceptance and commitment therapy as a modality, and acceptance and commitment therapy has its basis in a lot of Buddhist principles and so naturally I have been down an absolute Buddhist rabbit hole recently.
Speaker 1: 21:37
I am not a religious person, necessarily, but reading about these principles in Buddhism I'll tie this back, like with relationship to ourselves. A lot of the conversation around Buddhist principles and I should say, the book I'm reading right now there's a lot more about Buddhism that I don't know and I'm not going to pretend that I do the conversation of cultivating the skill to be able to sit with your own thoughts is huge. When we talk about any level of self-acceptance, let alone getting to know ourselves, and you talking about being able to go out and go to places by yourself, have dinner solo, that comes first from being able to sit down in an empty room with just your thoughts and there are. I'm going to butcher the studies off the top of my head. There was a study done where it was more or less like you have the option to sit with yourself or administer a mild electric shock, and more than half of the people chose to administer a mild electric shock to themselves. That is how disconnected we are from ourselves.
Speaker 1: 22:37
And so when we talk about all of these things to improve our lives, let's say like big picture, it starts internal. It starts with being able to sit in that internal world, and if that place is not a safe place to go to, is not comfortable in a lot of ways, then we're going to avoid it. And then we're going to seek those things that we need from ourselves and other people, and that's going to further things. And then we're going to seek those things that we need from ourselves and other people, and that's going to further things. So this is an absolute tangent and I'm probably butchering like if anyone's like Buddhist and listening to this and they're like, oh my God, jess, you've just ruined this.
Speaker 1: 23:08
But it's taking and reading things and then what you take away from it. But that internal world is so, so important when we go all the way up to because, right, if we think of this along the lines of levels, right, because we start out with kind of this level of like self-loathing, self-hatred, and then it's trying to build up from there. If we get to that self-acceptance, and then we're looking at, like, what is taking our power back, what does authenticity mean to us? And learning to be ourselves. And that comes from that place of self-acceptance.
Speaker 2: 23:44
And you can't get there without it. You can't.
Speaker 1: 23:45
It's funny because.
Speaker 2: 23:45
I call it a Dana kick in the ass. My listeners know I give. I give that very often in my talks and eventually I will, when I work with you, know one-on-one with clients. But I give advice in the most loving but blunt way because that's how I learned and I know that sometimes, when it comes to this work, we have to say is this way, or the highway, it's this way, or keep living the life you're living. Guys say you can either keep surviving or you can start living.
Speaker 1: 24:03
And the choice is yours, right, we get this choice.
Speaker 2: 24:05
Every day of our lives, we wake up, we get to choose, and you get to choose to do the things that are going to benefit you, or choose to live a life that is comfortable. And, to be real, I'm uncomfortable all the time. It's not in this negative aspect, right, it's not. I don't feel uncomfortable in the sense where I feel like I am not where I'm meant to be. I feel uncomfortable where I'm like anytime. I feel like I'm getting too in the groove.
Speaker 2: 24:28
I'm like I got to pivot a little bit because I'm not pushing myself, because if we're not uncomfortable, you're not growing, and that's why people don't like to go inward because it's scary. My husband has said this a million times.
Speaker 2: 24:40
It is intimidating seeing how much time I spend alone and my morning routine that I do is so extensive now because I've been working on it for years and you don't have to spend two hours a day alone. But I am saying that I am where I am today because of all the time I've committed to myself. That's what self-love is. Self-care isn't taking a bubble bath. Self-care is sitting with a journal and a pen and facing the uncomfortable shit that's in your head Because, look, I have some crazy things going on in my head right.
Speaker 2: 25:07
Sometimes, even still, I get triggered and instead of lashing out on my husband, I'm going to pull out that journal and by the end of that journaling sesh I'm going to be like, okay, that's definitely a little crazy end of that journaling sesh.
Speaker 2: 25:17
I'm going to be like okay, that's definitely a little crazy, but I feel better. It was a story I was telling myself. That's not even based on reality. It's based on a trigger that I had. And why was I triggered? Here's the root cause, and I tell everyone if you have no idea where to start, start with a journal and a pen and sit there and literally turn off your phone, turn off your computer and sit there until you gain the bravery and the courage to write something down and make that a daily practice. I started with five minutes. Now some days I'm journaling for 20 minutes because I have a lot to get out and it means that I'm not going out into the world every day just projecting all the stuff I'm holding onto onto everyone else.
Speaker 2: 25:52
And that's when real growth happens, when we face ourselves, and it takes bravery right. It's not easy, I'm not going to sit here and say it is, but the life you're living is not easy either. It's just you're comfortable in your discomfort that you're feeling because, to be real, your comfortable place that you're in it's not your best place. So how could that really be what's best for you? It's not, and so you can either choose to stay in this place that feels safe, but really your fear, like we should honor our fears.
Speaker 1: 26:22
That fear is in place to keep us safe, and safe a lot of times is that comfort zone, and I have talked about this book on literally every interview that I have done in the last few weeks. But have you read the Comfort Crisis?
Speaker 2: 26:34
I haven't. Who's that by?
Speaker 1: 26:36
Michael Easter, you've got to add it to your list. It's one of those that like, if there is one book to recommend, that is my book right now that I have just been like, please read this. Here you go. It'll change your life. And it's interesting too, like the sitting with the discomfort, because a lot of times people I'm really generalizing here the common conception of getting outside of your comfort zone is doing extreme things, and what we're talking about in getting outside our comfort zone is sitting with our thoughts.
Speaker 2: 27:02
It's the most basic things. My listeners sometimes laugh like they'll write into the hotline and be like you know, Dana, it pisses me off that you get on here and you tell us to do the same things, but once I finally started doing, these things that you tell me to do? They actually work and I'm like yes, see, yeah, you see, I'm not trying to talk, just to talk right, I'm giving practices that I have done.
Speaker 1: 27:28
And I do the same things today that I did five years ago.
Speaker 2: 27:30
That got me to where I am today, and I will do it five years from now, and I'll just tell you what my morning routine is. It's I move my body, whether it's an hour or 20 minutes, whatever works for me. I move my body First thing. I wake up at 4am to do that. You've been pregnant. I love that, though. I don't do it because I have to do it, because I get to and I love it. So for some people that's not that's not for them and that's okay, but for these next couple of practices.
Speaker 2: 27:50
These practices are for everybody and I say, if you tell me you're not a journaler, it's because you never tried and you're too scared to try. Every morning I do a gratitude practice. I actually created a journal that I sell that has all this in it, but I write down six very small things that I'm grateful for that happened in the last 24 hours.
Speaker 1: 28:07
So I can't write. I'm grateful for my husband. I can't write. I'm grateful for that. I'm pregnant, right.
Speaker 2: 28:11
I have to write something that actually happened that gets me looking for things to be grateful for all day rather than looking for things to be miserable about all day, and then I write down my intentions for the day. How do I want to feel, how do I want to show up today, and what are three things that I absolutely must achieve today for me to feel like I have been productive.
Speaker 2: 28:32
And then I write down 10 goals and some of those goals are within six months achievable and some of them are going to take 10 years, right. And then I do anywhere from five to 30 minutes of free writing and I drag mine out because I meditate and I sit there and I sip my coffee and I just really like it's a ritual for me.
Speaker 1: 28:50
But for people starting out it doesn't have to be extreme.
Speaker 2: 28:52
We don't need to do extreme things. Extremes never work. When you try to make everything in your life a big deal, then nothing's important right and you'll never be consistent with something that's hard to do. These practices are easy, you know you'll be consistent with them and that's what the journal I created is meant to do. It's meant to create a consistent morning routine that takes honestly, you could take 10 minutes to do this journal every day.
Speaker 1: 29:15
It's really cool that you created that. I love the thought of a gratitude practice because gratitude is one of those buzzwords Some people feel woo woo or don't tap into this. I had an interview last week with someone about this. She's a yoga and meditation instructor and so we leaned into just more of what gratitude actually is and I was like this for a long time. Where gratitude is just like what am I going to write Like I'm thankful for coffee, I'm thankful for my dogs, whatever? And it's understanding that truly, no matter what you believe the universe, a higher power, a singular God, plural gods, whatever when there is recognition of the insanity that is you existing on this planet at this particular time and space, it shifts your perspective on like. I read a story about someone who lost function in their hands in their 30s and suddenly the next day in my gratitude practice I was like these hands function and work for me and I am so thankful for the myriad of things that allows me to do. You know, pay my bills because I work with my hands.
Speaker 2: 30:18
It's because it brings you into the present moment, literally what you just said, not to cut you off, but, like gratitude, practice brings you into current day. For example, last week had the worst week, not not this week, but last week was like the hardest week for me. I was finding dead animals in my backyard left and right and I'm pregnant, so that's really sad and it was just a whole thing. It was one thing after another. I was having a horrible week and I still went and I found things to be grateful for every morning. And had I not had that practice, I would not have been present. I would have been a ball of anxiety all week. I would have had no outlet, right, I would have felt so triggered all day, but because I had these practices, no, I wasn't at my best. I'm not going to sit here and BS you like you're not going to feel 100% just because you did a gratitude practice.
Speaker 2: 31:01
But if it's, something you do every day. It equips you to handle the hard stuff in life. When tragedy hit my family in 2020, I was completely equipped to handle it. It was profoundly difficult. I was heartbroken and when I suffered a profound loss in my life very unexpectedly, but I was able to get through it because of these small things and people think I'm insane when I say that, but I'm like just try it and watch when the next time something hard happens in your life how much better equipped you are to handle that.
Speaker 1: 31:30
So two things, one being going back to like the journal practice where you're like the people who are like, oh, I can't do that or I've never been able to do it, or whatever else. One of the things that I talk to with clients is okay, if writing does not feel like something that is in your wheelhouse for writing out thoughts or feelings, voice memo, record it. If writing out complete sentences doesn't feel like your jam, make it single words, forget about grammar. Like let it come out, type it on your computer, like what makes it most accessible. I love to journal.
Speaker 1: 31:57
I've journaled since fourth or fifth grade but I went through a season where like writing was just not doing it for me and so I would record voice memos like I was talking to my best friend Not necessarily send them, because Lord knows she didn't need like a 17 minute voice memo every single day, but having that piece of like, if you're talking to someone who you know loves and cares about you unconditionally, because eventually what you're doing is you're saying these things out loud and you're understanding like, oh, I actually care about myself unconditionally, like the relationship with myself, you can come back around to that.
Speaker 2: 32:29
Exactly, and that's how you step into your power. I mean, I love the voice notes. I still use voice notes sometimes, even though I'm big on journaling, so I like to be able to go back. I labeled them therapy and I put the date. There's no therapist there, it's just me, and it's just sometimes like when. I'm in the moment and I'm feeling triggered, like maybe something my husband did triggered me, or at my day job I get triggered.
Speaker 2: 32:51
Instead of like reacting to that, I go and I make a voice memo and I let it out, and suddenly I'm like, and then I breathe for a second, I'm like wow, I feel like not a hundred percent but I feel better. Right, and it's just that little practice and it grounds us and then you realize you don't have to reach outside of yourself for that right.
Speaker 1: 33:12
You don't have to project, you don't have to react, you don't have to call your best friend frantically every time something happens, right, you can be your own best friend, you saying like, okay, my husband said something and it triggered on some level and you're like, what the hell? You gave space between action and reaction and that's a skill that is such a skill to be practiced. So, when you're talking about here all the things that led up to me being able to cultivate that skill, especially in a marriage, it's so huge, and I mean not just a marriage, but your friendships, every relationship in your life.
Speaker 1: 33:36
But it also works for yourself too, with noticing thoughts that come up and then you're just like, ok, hang on. That really made me feel some type of way, where did that come from? And made me feel some type of way, where did that come from. And so you're just the more you practice that. So that's what journaling does, is you're letting things come up, come out, writing them out, and then you're like, is that really true? Do I want that to be true? No, not really.
Speaker 1: 33:54
Okay, and moving from there, but shifting this for a second, where we've talked about just relationship with ourselves, so much you talk about self-love. From reading that I have done from some of the research and just from my understanding and how I coach on this, I don't talk a lot about self-love in the maybe social media mainstream kind of way that people think of self-love as like I love myself unconditionally, no matter what, in all the ways of all the things. Okay, actually I'm turning this to you, I'm not even going to it. Tell me how you define self-love, because I feel like we're somewhat on the same page of like our feels on this and so I don't want to project, so tell me.
Speaker 2: 34:29
Yeah, self-love to me, and what I teach too, is it's not this like delusional confidence in yourself. We're not the Lulu. Okay, I love to sit here and repost these memes that talk about being the Lulu, but at the end of the day, in reality, self-love is viewing yourself for exactly who you are. In this moment, I can show up and I can have a reaction, and I can have accountability for that reaction and say I still value who I am, I still know my value, I know my worth. It doesn't mean I'm a perfect human either. I don't like this version of self-love that we see on social media because it talks about using affirmations and you know, and I do like affirmations but we try to tell someone who literally hates themselves and we tell themselves to say I love you in the mirror and that's going to change their life.
Speaker 2: 35:15
You can't lie to yourself. You're not ever going to take that huge leap. It's not possible. I hated myself too at one point. Right, I started to love myself once. I gave myself the space to just fuck up. And you give yourself the space to just be who you are Like I wouldn't be here today if I didn't give myself the space to be a very triggered version of myself for a while. And in those moments I wasn't sitting here like delusional, like I'm amazing, because I wasn't, I had work to do.
Speaker 2: 35:41
But my core self, who I am at my core, my values, who I show up as, who I intend to show up as, that's self-love.
Speaker 2: 35:55
I love her, but I'm, in that, able to say, okay, I love myself, but I'm also always going to hold myself accountable. There's a big thing on social media right now where everyone is like, as soon as they get in a relationship with someone, if they, if they have like one red flag or they do one thing wrong, oh we'll screw them on to the next one. And I don't believe in that, because imagine yourself, you look at yourself and you make a mistake and you suddenly believe you're a horrible person. That's why we have a world living this way in relationships right now, because you're not a horrible person because you made a mistake, you're going to make a thousand mistakes. You can still love yourself through them while holding yourself accountable. I think we're in a state of that delusional self-love versus the real self-love where you look at yourself in the mirror and you see we all have flaws and those flaws make me who I am and I love myself because of my flaws. My husband loves to remind me that.
Speaker 2: 36:38
I have an attitude and I used to literally hate that about myself, but that makes me who I am. And guess what? That attitude is not for everybody. I am not for everybody and I teach my listeners self-love is knowing you're not for everyone and being cool with that. As long as you know you are showing up as a good human, you're not going around being an asshole to everyone, then that's self-love, right? Self-love isn't I'm going to pretend that I'm happy and positive all the time, even when I'm not. That's actually the opposite of self-love. That's doing yourself a disservice, going around in the world being someone that you're not 100%.
Speaker 1: 37:13
Sometimes I feel like talking about loving yourself can be triggering to people, and so in the first season of Sturdy Girl, there is an episode called Do you have to Love Yourself? And ultimately, the answer is no. You can have a healthy relationship with yourself without that love. And I think a lot of what you're describing, too, is that self-compassion piece being able to look in the mirror and, yes, you are accepting of yourself as a human, but you're holding yourself accountable because that self-compassion piece of yeah, okay, I'm tired, therefore I need to go to bed earlier versus I'm tired, but I'm going to modify this workout that I wanted to get done instead of skipping it completely, because I'm holding myself accountable, and I think that both and of the self-love is unconditional in the piece of and this is something that I still have trouble explaining to people is that view yourself like you do your best front. You aren't going to discard them after one mistake. You recognize that they're going to have bad days If you so I think about these voice memos that you record for yourself.
Speaker 1: 38:12
If your friend sent you that voice memo and they're like I had the absolute, freaking worst day. This happened, this happened. I said this, I was an asshole to this person. I did this. You're not going to listen to that and be like, oh my God, you are a terrible person, I and be like, oh my God, you are a terrible person, I don't even like you, let alone love you anymore. No, you're gonna hear that and be like shit, you did have a really bad day. I'm so glad you were able to share that with me. Like you know how you would respond, thinking about that in terms of how you talk to yourself, how you respond to yourself, and that's a lot of what that self-love and compassion piece is in working on that relationship. So I really liked your description too.
Speaker 2: 38:46
I just think that so many people hear self-love and they're like oh, like I don't even know if I it's because they're so far from that Right. Like I truly can say I'm at a point in my life where I do love myself, Like I am proud of myself and I'm my own cheerleader. Like I truly am at a point where I don't need anyone else to cheer. Like when someone else cheers me on, it's like I take it with a grain of salt, Just like I would take a criticism with a grain of salt. But it didn't happen. Like it took seven years for me to get here.
Speaker 2: 39:12
And I didn't get here by telling myself that I love myself every day. I got here because I was just like, willing to look at myself in the mirror period, Just look at myself for who I was showing up as, without sitting there and tearing myself apart every day. And I think what we're going wrong as a society is we're convincing ourselves that we love ourselves, even though we don't like a lot of people don't, but they're saying that they do right. And then we're expecting everyone else that's coming in and out of our lives to be perfect too, Because perfect is not real. But how we're viewing our quote unquote love for ourselves is like this made up version of what self lovelove is, and now we're projecting that onto relationships too. So I love what you said and I think it's so important to tell people like I've never thought of it in that way, Like you don't need to love yourself right now. It's about showing yourself that grace and compassion. I totally agree.
Speaker 1: 40:00
It's such a canyon between self-loathing and self-love, and so some people, they see that and they're like, well, how the hell do I get from one side to the other? There's all this space in between. Is it self-respect, self-acceptance, is it? You know, looking along those lines and maybe we never get to love, and that's okay.
Speaker 2: 40:16
I think it's too much pressure to be like you have to love yourself. I don't think on my show or in general, I've ever said you don't have to love yourself. I always just tell people it's. You're not ever going to love yourself overnight. But I love your perspective and the way you explain that, because it's so important for people Like I wish I had someone to tell me that when I was hating myself right.
Speaker 1: 40:34
It's powerful and that was a big turning point for me. I think in this whole. I call it a lot more like the body image journey, but it's also that like relationship of self journey. It was my therapist and she's like you don't have to love yourself. That's not ever what we're talking about. Can you learn to respect yourself enough to like, take care of your body? Can we talk about that? And that's where you start. She was like I don't care right now if you don't like yourself. I don't care if you look in the mirror like we'll get to caring about that, but right now I need you to understand that if you respect your body like your physical being, you're going to nourish it and you're going to take care of it and eventually that respect is going to extend into your brain as well. And that relationship with yourself and I was like, okay, I think I can do that You're streaming down my face.
Speaker 2: 41:18
I think that will help people like get there even quicker, honestly get to that self-love point and again, like you said, I think it's really helpful to say you don't ever have to get there. But from experience I know that having that mindset and taking that pressure off yourself, you can get there and you can get there quicker. I love that. Wow, I'd never heard anyone explain it that way.
Speaker 1: 41:38
I'm glad it was helpful. So question for you just since we have been talking about self-love as you have defined it, and those pieces, are there any kind of takeaways that you could give the audience on how you worked towards self-love or how you coach on working towards improving your relationship with yourself?
Speaker 2: 41:53
Yeah, definitely, I'm going to give small things again. Everything comes down to like the most basic things. First thing I would say do what I did and take yourself out to eat. I don't care, if you only do it one time in your life, take yourself out on a date. So maybe being at a restaurant might sound like too much for you Take yourself out to a coffee shop.
Speaker 2: 42:14
Take yourself out somewhere in public by yourself and not to Target. Okay, because we all know we want to all go to Target by ourselves, so our boyfriends or husbands or wives don't know how much we're spending money, how much money we're spending at Target, right? I'm talking about take yourself out on a date, get dressed up, make it a thing, right? Get dressed up as if your husband or your wife or your partner is taking you out and really be present in that experience Don't sit on your phone the whole time Give yourself like one hour.
Speaker 2: 42:37
take yourself out to eat Even if it's a restaurant you've been to before, it doesn't have to be something completely new. And how that helps self-love is just getting comfortable being by yourself. That's what that really is. And it's one thing to be comfortable by yourself at home. It's another thing to put yourself out into the world by yourself. It's like not even finding comfort. It's just learning how to be alone around other people without feeling lonely.
Speaker 2: 42:57
And then another thing I would say, which you're probably gonna laugh at, but one thing I do any day that I am having a hard day and I'm feeling not my best day that I am having a hard day and I'm feeling not my best, I put on an outfit, and it's almost always the same outfit that makes me feel good, because when I look good physically, when I feel like I look good, I feel better. So on my bad days I have an outfit that I wear like one outfit in my closet that I wear every bad day and I put on and they just make like I might do my makeup that day, I might do my hair. It puts me in an energy of feeling good and it doesn't. It's not going to make me love myself, but it's going to make me feel better that day.
Speaker 2: 43:34
Another thing I would just say on top of it doesn't have to be journaling, but dedicate 30 minutes to yourself every day. So if you don't like to journal, do the voice memo, the notes app in your phone, do a guided meditation, go for a walk outside without a podcast. Like I know, we're on a podcast. I want you to listen. But do go outside and take a walk without your phone If you live in a safe area to do so. And just 30 minutes, that's it. Everybody in the world has 30 minutes. I know people with four kids who have an hour to themselves every morning. So please do not make excuses for yourself, because as much as we want to show ourselves grace, we also need to hold ourselves accountable. How you can do that is dedicate 30 minutes in your day, every single day, to doing something to fill your own cup up.
Speaker 2: 44:13
And then just one more thing that I love to suggest to everyone is create a joy list. A joy list can contain something as small as having a cup of coffee outside on your deck as the sun rises, to something as big as taking a trip to Italy, and I always recommend putting this in your phone. I'm a big writer, but I love to put the joy list in your phone and you can add to it whenever you want or subtract from it whenever you want. But the beauty is, when you're having a hard day or you're starting to feel overwhelmed, you can pick something off that list to do that day. So it could be something so small, so simple, as like grabbing a coffee for yourself. That gives me joy A pumpkin spice latte. I'm so basic in that way.
Speaker 2: 44:50
That brings me so much joy. So that would be my last suggestion, because adding joy into your own life yourself and not expecting other people to give you that joy, best way to start to learn to care for yourself.
Speaker 1: 45:02
Okay. So three things. One, 100% hot in my like wrap up quick questions was going to ask you if you were a pumpkin spice latte fan, so thank you for answering that. Two, we call those coffees emotional support coffee. And three, this joy list piece. Oh my gosh, okay.
Speaker 1: 45:19
I talk about this so frequently with clients just in the context of when we get in funks Like there are a couple of Sturdy Girl episodes about this too of just getting ourselves out of maybe a rut or a funk or brain space that isn't supportive. Having that joy list, having those things where you're like what is something that brings me joy, what is something that, even if joy feels too big, is something that brings me a sense of contentment, a sense of happiness, even if it's momentary, like my first thing that comes to mind, it is so small. So one of my dogs is an Aussie and he has ears like velvet and I cannot tell you how many times that I am stressed or having a bad day or having the feels, whatever it might be, and slowing down and petting his freaking ears is one of those moments where you're like okay, maybe things aren't so bad.
Speaker 2: 46:03
All my joy list is cuddling with my dog, and sometimes I don't want to cuddle with my dog, sometimes it doesn't bring me joy, so I'm like I don't want to. I don't want to be around you right now I'm busy. But on those days that's exactly why I said put it in your phone. We're all attached to our phones. I don't care how evolved we are, we're all attached to our phones. And so I have my list in where I could, on my 30 minute break, go to a park really close and sit there for my lunch break, and that is something that, no, I'm not gonna feel like I'm the happiest person in the world, but I am gonna go back into the rest of my shift feeling just lighter than I felt. So, yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1: 46:45
Finding space in your day. You know you're talking like. Everyone has 30 minutes in their day and I have mixed feelings on saying that Like. I appreciate the intent of holding yourself accountable. I had a conversation recently with someone who educates on like social determinants of health and there are some people that are in a place where they work so much or have so many variables in their life that 30 minutes is like not even possible. This joy list for me and for how I coach my clients on it, is like it is creating the space in your life, even for those few moments of like I may be pet my dog's ears for like a minute, creating the space, even if it's just up here mentally to take a deep breath. It's that mindfulness piece, I think, is what I'm getting at. And if I say mindfulness, people are like right, it's another one of those words, but it's creating the space for you to just be present, be in your head without 7 million other things going on, to just say like.
Speaker 2: 47:38
I'm here, I'm in this moment, I'm okay, I'm safe. Yeah, it's just interrupting that train of thought. All it takes is that one, one minute to interrupt it. I could be spiraling, creating a story of something that's happening. That's not really happening, but I'm convincing myself that it's 100% happening. For example, if I'm having a bad day in the gym, I'll convince myself that everyone in the gym is judging me and no one gives a fuck about what I'm doing in the gym.
Speaker 2: 47:58
Like, let's be real. And so it's in those moments when you just you literally take one minute. You don't even have to sit there and breathe. If that seems too woo to you, you can just take one deep breath in and out and just sit there and remind yourself, like, okay, call out what are three things that I see right now that are blue. And you just you name that and suddenly you've interrupted that negative thought pattern and now it's, it's coming going.
Speaker 1: 48:20
They have a name for it, but it's like the five, four, three, two, one, right. So, like five, these, you Like five things. You can see four things, you can hear three things, you can touch two things, you can smell one thing, you can taste or something like that, right, you like go through. No, that's fantastic, okay. So I already asked you about PSL, or no? So we're there. Pancakes or waffles Pancakes. Okay, what do you put on them?
Speaker 2: 48:40
Blueberries in them and lots of syrup. So I'm like a child If I eat pancakes which I don't eat them often, unless my husband specifically requests them but it's drowning in sorrow. Make the pancake like a sponge.
Speaker 1: 48:51
Literally, it's soup. I love it. Okay, what is the number one book you've recommended or given as a gift?
Speaker 2: 49:03
It's not the number one book that I recommended because I've only just finished it, but I planned on buying everyone for Christmas this year. I'm not really splurging because I'm having a baby. It's called you Can Heal your Life by Louise Hay. I am buying everyone in my life that book this year and the reason being is because I will just say it's a very woo-woo book and it is. You have to have an open mindset. But every single practice, even if you only take one practice from this entire book, it can help you in the most impactful way on your growth journey.
Speaker 2: 49:27
I'm not going to say it's going to change your life because I don't like to put that big of a you know, commitment in there, but what I will say is that I think if everyone reads this book, they'll just start to view their lives differently. I have like a million favorite books, though.
Speaker 1: 49:41
We can talk more about this. I'm a big reader too. And then, talking about holidays, do you have any holiday traditions?
Speaker 2: 49:53
Halloween is my favorite day ever and season and just fall. I'm like a fiend. I love horror. So my holiday tradition for Halloween we go all out on our decorations and we love to give out candy to the kids.
Speaker 2: 50:00
I dress up, my husband dress up and we literally sit outside and give candy to the kids and we invite like family over so we'll have like drinks and all Halloween themed food, but then ultimately we all sit down and give out candy for a couple hours and then Christmas is like I do the seven fishes for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It always varies, but yeah, it's pretty much it.
Speaker 1: 50:21
That's fantastic. I slowly get more into horror, trying I'll read horror books all day long, horror movies I don't know why I just am like the jump scare is not my thing. My husband's a writer and he's working on a horror comedy right now and so like learning like horror. Okay, I got to get there because I got to love this movie.
Speaker 2: 50:41
So I will tell you, I was like five years old in the movie theaters watching horror movies.
Speaker 1: 50:51
So we went to the movies every weekend when I was a kid, and he would take me to see every horror movie. That's amazing. You knew your genre early. So on that note we'll wrap this up. My last question for you where can audiences find you to learn more?
Speaker 2: 51:00
So you can find me on Instagram, Dana Donnelly official underscore, and then I have inner badass reborn. That's the community page. I actually showcase and highlight women owned businesses, just women, badass women in general every Wednesday. So if you have a suggestion for a woman you would like to be showcased on the page, I would love for you to DM me and then you can find my podcast anywhere you listen at inner badass reborn and then my website is Dana Donnelly officialcom.
Speaker 1: 51:28
Awesome. Thanks so much for being on. This was such a great conversation, and let's share some book recommendations.
Speaker 2: 51:34
Yeah, I'm excited to keep in contact with you. I know we're very aligned on most things Agreed.
Speaker 1: 51:39
Okay, friend, thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you everyone for listening. We will catch you next Friday.